Pink New Year

I used to believe my life was a garden. My very own little plot of land to create in any way I wished. Season after season I could plant new ideas and bury wishes that would eventually spring into bold, vivid color. Luscious flowers would gently open before my eyes. Petal by delicate petal until they blossomed into the gorgeous future of my imagination. Blooms as big as cabbages, and birdsong to greet each new day. All would be right with the world and my place in it would be assured.

Or so I thought. The future is something no one can foretell. But still, I imagined I could make a difference. That I would reap what I had sewn.

Now we live in a time when we are fortunate to gather the fallen apples others have left behind. The grass is brittle and frozen while weeds await the precise moment when they will spring up and grow out of control. Birds are chattering in the cold as the snow blankets their carefully built nests.

And yet it is here, in this Dead of Winter, that we are called upon to pony up our seeds of hope and plant them as the New Year dawns. Now,… while the wind howls and the dark owns the daylight and while more people are losing their jobs, their homes and their hope.

How easily I can be defeated by this cold, as anyone who knows my soul will attest. I can draw the shades, sleep through this day and night and allow my seeds to wither and die. My hope will slowly rot into the ground from which it sprang. It is not hard to imagine.

Now that I have put down roots I must choose what to do with them. It is still quite true: The future is something no one can foretell. But on the horizon of my dreams there is a glimmer of sunlight. Just a glimmer. So I will plant my dreams beside those roots and water them with my imperfect love and hope the sun finds me. Because in this New Year, I want a beautiful garden. And I want all my roses to be pink.

Happy New Year.

The Night the Stars Came Out

Somewhere, tucked between the pages of your day to day thoughts, you’ve hidden away the things that are most precious to you. Tiny translucent ghosts that if left unchecked, threaten to send you into flights of fancy with no itinerary. With no plan whatsoever.

These are the hidden stars of your imagination,... constellations of fancy with uncharted stories to tell, sparkling with their secret promises. Like you, I’ve fore-sworn temptation in favor of the practical here and now. Little luxuries set aside because common sense says we must do without. So much joy, so much opportunity. Squelched.

In a moment of lucidity, I realize that I’m missing my swing at bat. The pitcher holds my star, my hair smells like the wind and I should be outrunning the ball. Instead, I haven’t looked towards the sky at all recently. And I’ve forgotten where I left my cleats.

Absolute freedom is a roller coaster ride. What if I hand over my last ticket and just climb aboard? What would I hear if I let those ghosts have their say? Will they take me for the ride of my life? Or will I just blow away with the slightest disappointment?

The dust that has gathered upon my heart has nearly swallowed my dreams. And I am guilty for sitting quietly while allowing this to be so. I should have been reading the constellations overhead. And inventing new stars.

My Familiar

Farther even than my desert sky
Lavender and peach dance in sacred parity
Knowing that the end looms just moments
Over the other side
Darkness descends and we are enveloped.
Who would know if, in the black and unfamiliar sky
my fingers will find your face
And know it
As my own.

For Your Eyes Only...

You will whisper to me in the darkness.
I will do what you tell me,
Do it all night long,
Go down on my knees and do it the way
You like it.
Let it last an eternity,
There is no turning back.
Let the dogs bark,
Let the hours pass.
Because I wont stop until the

Light breaks through the sky.

Still Standing

Some people are perfectly comfortable on the ground. But not me. Perhaps high heels have spoiled me, though some of us are just too much for mere gravity. I like to think I’m an excellent gravity pilot and know how to fall.

Not like a stunt on a TV show, but REALLY fall. I’m not saying I like it. But fall I have and here I am, if only for a short while. Capsized. Overnight, my world has changed channels and offered me up as chum to those I now call mistakes. If I am completely honest… it sucks. But then it doesn’t. It should fill me with terror, yet instead it has me mesmerized.

Why? Because every living being should experience this. Provincial? Yes. Humbling? Yes again! Liberating? Absolutely. Being knocked on our ass is the great homogenizer. We should all look out the same window once. Feast with the oppressed.

So my perfect little planet has abandoned orbit. Overnight, the weather has changed. I didn’t know before this what bad really meant. But now I do and it’s at least this: A place where envy finds fertile soil and hatred dominates the soul of people you thought you knew. Even YOU could wake one morning to find yourself alone, without money and wondering where your next friend is coming from. This is the moment when you discover exactly who you are. I am discovering that there is no shame in my suffering – no healing in silent self-torment. This is the dawning of my personal truth: I am not my mistakes. The anguish I endure graciously hones my empathetic heart. There is a gift in all this - my secret treasure. And I will find it.

I try to remind myself that brighter days linger on the other side of these dark winter months. I will emerge perfect in my own way. And whoever awaits me on the other side will find a brighter, more saturated Jennifer. Just wait and see. I am so much more than the girl you’ve always known.

Evolution

I want to be more. I want to truly shine. My desire for refinement inspires me to brave the treacherous journey into the frontiers of my dark interior. The ways in which unknown possibilities haunt, illuminate and seduce me have evoked a mental travel diary of my hopes and desires - a vision if you will. The cinnamon toast of my existence cries out for new experiences. A new direction… spiritual evolution.

So I’ve been rethinking my life in small and large ways, painful but ultimately fruitful. What journey do we undertake that does not bring to light unwanted stowaways – long ignored out of habit? Owning up to the dead ends in our private lives, our business approach – even our relationship with ourselves – is the ultimate enlightenment. Yet we face our demons reluctantly. I certainly do. I realize that unless I undress my flaws, see them for exactly what they are - I’ll never dance at the edge – find no reason to push the envelope.

If only the path were easier. Risk free. We all want the sure thing. But the payoff truly comes in the taking of risks. A single roll of the dice can change our lives in ways we might never dream possible. Even our dreams have boundaries. So why not throw out our limitations and pre-conceptions? Take that chance?

Wouldn’t it be great if we could just stop things at pivotal moments, stand back, and write our own ending? How would it be different? What price would we pay for safety?

We have to risk something. We just do.

I am aware that I’ve made mistakes in this life. Big ones and I own them. But they are mine because taking chances not only nets terrific results and fantastic rewards, but miscalculations and losses as well. Because of this, and this alone – my ultimate gains taste even sweeter.

I am not here on this earth as a mere visitor. I am not content to be seated in the audience either. I want to be the star. So I’ll gather my courage and unleash my adventuresome spirit. I’ll take my chances. Because I know exactly what I want. And simply by making the effort, I will shine brighter.